manpe's "laughing out loud" corner

[manpe]

Son of a bitch

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bi*ch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bi*ch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bi*ch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you

know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a

son of a bi*ch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BI*CH!!!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A crappy day

Girl’s Diary

Monday 3 October 2005

Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home. I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep....

Boy’s Diary

Monday 3 October 2005

Shit day at work.

Team lost at the weekend.

Had sex though.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adam and God

God is checking his facilities. He meets Adam and asks him: "Adam, everything is at your wishes?"

"Off course God, Eden is really beautiful... But i feel lonely sometimes."

God, as helpfull as ever, replies: "if you want, I'll give you a women."

Adam:"A women? What's that?"

God:"it's the greatest creature of all. She's kind, beautiful, will help you around, will comfort you, please you. She's funny, smart and does whatever you want her to do."

Adam is excited.

God:" but it'll cost you. An eye, an arm, an ear and a leg."

On which Adam thinks and answers: "what can you give me for a rib?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

True Story

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I ran straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taking a shit

Yesterday i was driving on the highway when i noticed i really had to go to the toilet.

I stopped at the first gas station. The first toilet was occupied, so I took the second. I just pulled my pants down when the other guy started to speak to me.

Guy: "How are you doing?

I didn't find it was the time nor the place to chat, but I'm polite so I answered: "I'm fine, thank you".

Guy: "And what are you doing right now?"

Me (surprised): "taking a shit, just like you!"

Guy (annoyed): "Darling, I'm going to call you back. There's an idiot here answering all my questions."

... (to be continued)

[3NIGM4]

Good stuff, keep them comin :P

[Marik]

the 1st one was great

i didn't quite understand the 2nd one, did his football team lost or what?

the 3rd one was somewhat funny

the 4th was to long for me to read

the 5th one was :P

[manpe]

Yes, his favourite football team lost :P For football fans it's a big deal :thumbsup:

[manpe]

The Egyptian travels from Cairo to London.

At Custom Control in London, the policeman asks him :

-Name?

-Abdul Maxir Halam

-Sex?

-Every day sir...

-No no no... Male-female?

-Male, Female and sometime Camel !!!

[Noddy]

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

:P ROFL, tantalizing stuff this - keep the corner going strong (you'll make a terrific Script-writer.)

[manpe]

There were a french,german and bosnian guy.

THey were at a place with a swimming pool,and if you jump in the pool and take a wish,than the pool will be full of your wish.

THe french man was first.He ran fast,jumbed and said loud:I wish that this pool is full of money.THen the pool was with money.

The second was the german guy.He ran fast,jumped and said loud:I wish that this pool is full of beer.And so was it,the pool was full with beer.

THe last one was the bosnian.He ran to fast and then he hurts his self,jumped in the pool and said loud"Damn,shit.."

And yes,the pool was full of shit

[UnixSofter]

There were a french,german and bosnian guy.

THey were at a place with a swimming pool,and if you jump in the pool and take a wish,than the pool will be full of your wish.

THe french man was first.He ran fast,jumbed and said loud:I wish that this pool is full of money.THen the pool was with money.

The second was the german guy.He ran fast,jumped and said loud:I wish that this pool is full of beer.And so was it,the pool was full with beer.

THe last one was the bosnian.He ran to fast and then he hurts his self,jumped in the pool and said loud"Damn,shit.."

And yes,the pool was full of shit

[manpe]

The wall

An Argentine and a Brazilian were walking together when they found a magic lamp, with a genius.

Then, they cleaned up the lamp and a genius appeared saying that each one would have been entitled to a request.

The Argentine was the first:

- I want to build a wall that surrounded of Argentina. A wall so strong that nothing can destroy, and that no one can enter or exit of Argentina, thus, the Brazilians will never disturbed. And I want to be brought into the Argentina.

And ready. The wall was built. Nothing could destroy it or go through it. The Argentina was completely isolated from the rest of the world.

Then, the Brazilian said:

- Mr genius, then this wall of Argentina, is really indestructible? Nothing or no one can enter or leave?

- Yes, said the genius.

And the Brazilian:

- So, my request is: fill with water!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beer

The bosses of Heiniken beer, Busweiser and Stella Artois are in a bar... They want to drink something, so the dutch manager orders a Heiniken and the american orders a budweiser. Funny enough the Belgian manager orders a coke.

"Aren't you drinking a Stella?" the two other managers ask.

The Belgian manager answers"If you aren't drinking beer, neither am I."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My birthday

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone, "Happy Birthday". I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but maybe the kids will remember. My kids came down for breakfast and didn't say a word.

So, when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning,

Boss, Happy Birthday". It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me". I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go".

We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day....we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came

out carrying a huge birthday cake......followed by my wife, kids and

dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

on the couch...

naked...

--------------------------------------------------------------

3 inches

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular

table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot

to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the

night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it

is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the

wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in

your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:

"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL,

and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars

in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three

inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

[manpe]

A fuckin' genie !

A couple is golfing in an exclusive resort. The wife hits a ball very wrong and it breaks a window. Full of fear they go to the mansion and when they enter, they see that the golfball also broke a gigantic vase. Next to the vase there's an old man:"I guess you are resposible for this? I have to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped inside for 150 years in this vase. Now I returned to be human, but i can grant three wishes... One wish I am keeping for myself."

The man was first: "I want 1.000.000€ each week on my bank account"

"No problem, check your account tomorrow!"

The wife was second: "I want a mansion like this in every city in the world."

"No problem ,consider it done... But my wish is to sleep one night with a beautiful women like you."

The wife hesitates, but for 1.000.000 and some mansions, having sex with the man wasn't a bad deal.

Once upsair, the man fucks her brains out. Afterwards she asks him: "You're excellent in bed, I can't believe you're 150..."

"No, he says... I'm 63, but i can't believe either that women of 30yo still believe in wishes and genies!"

[manpe]

Driver's license

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A dick

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

10-minute humiliation

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Who laughs last, laughs better

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar with money in it and a horse standing next to it. The bartender told the man to put a dollar in the jar and make the horse laugh. So the man put a dollar into the jar and told the horse something. Suddenly the horse began to laugh hysterically. The man took the money and left.

The next day the man walked into the bar and saw the jar of money and the horse standing next to it. This time, the bartender told the man to make the horse cry. the man put a dollar in the jar, walked over to the horse, and the horse began to cry. The man took the money and as he was about to leave when the bartender asked him...

"How did you do that?" the man replied, "On the first day, I told the horse my dick was longer than his, and on the second day, I showed him."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Questions & Answers

Q: Why can't an elephant work at a PC?

A: because he is affraid of the mouse.

======================================

Q: What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?

A: There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

:)

[Lite]

Topic Pinned :)

Some good jokes you have there, thanks for them.

Keep them coming and this topic will continue to be pinned.

[manpe]

Thanks man, here are some more... ;)

A thirsty Arab

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The MORAL of the story is:

Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coma

A 80-year old woman has been in a coma for over a year. Every day, a nurse comes over and washes her in a shower.

One day when the nurse is washing the private parts of the women, she sees a reaction on the monitor. They call her husband and that afternoon he arrives. The nurse who washed his wife took the man apart and said: "I know it sounds weird, but I think we can wake your wife up. She had a reaction when I was washing her private place, you know, so we think you can wake her up with some oral sex. Can you do it?"

The husband hesitates, but after a few seconds he answers: "close the curtains and the door and leave me alone...You can see on the monitors outside if it's working"

After 5 minutes the doctors only notice a flatline, so they enter the room.

They see the husband who quickly puts his pants back on:

"Sorry guys, I think she choked!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ze thinking Germans

Sea going vessel passing German coast :

Mayday mayday we are sinking !!

Reply of German coast gard :

Ok ok what are yu sinking about ?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde in disguise

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More blondes choke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Welcome aboard, and goodbye

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm blonde, I'm smart" - think again bitch

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

[shought]

If Lite pinned it, they gotta be good! Let's take some time and read em, shall we?

[UnixSofter]

Thanks man, here are some more... :pirate:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ze thinking Germans

Sea going vessel passing German coast :

Mayday mayday we are sinking !!

Reply of German coast gard :

Ok ok what are yu sinking about ?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love that German. ;)

[manpe]

60 prostitutes

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were

asked if they would ever sleep with President

Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

What's so funny ?

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store

laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's

no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and

once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of

the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him

to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts

cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the

guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A soft breast, a hard elbow

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in

it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her

breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Stiffness sucks all the blood out of your FUCKING BRAIN !

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his

professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had

disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing

so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions

or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said

the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do

you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or

breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual

intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing

now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting HIV; which is why I came

here in the first place."

[manpe]

Wives' birthday gifts

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney

and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For

her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.

This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me

because she got a diamond ring."

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's

birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.

This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because

she got the gold bracelet."

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to

buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like

the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wasser in ze carburettor

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.

Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

[manpe]

Put To Sleep

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was looking glum, and the second dog turned to him and asked, ''What are you in for''?

''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''

''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug.The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.

''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacumming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''

''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''

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Going To Iraq

A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later". The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, “He went that way. "

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. "

The nun said she understood completely.

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either"

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A second opinion

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at

breakfast.

As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his

wife,

"You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned

home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered

the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

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Inconsistency

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[manpe]

Two nuns

Two nuns are driving down a country road one night when a vampire flies up and lands on the front of the car.

"Mary! Show him your cross!" says one nun to the other. The other nun leans out the window and yells "Get off my bonnet you f***er!"

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Random

A ship carrying red paint crashes into a ship carrying blue paint.

Now they are marooned....

[Bizarre™]

Top 3 reasons why chocolate is better than sex:

1) It's safe to have chocolate while driving.

2) You can have it even in front of your mom.

3) It won't mind if you bite the nuts too hard.

[Bizarre™]

What’s hairy on the outside and moist inside, begins with a 'C' ends with a 'T' and has 'U' and 'N' in the middle?

Answer:

'COCONUT'

[manpe]

;)

Mexican Jews:

Cohen and Levy were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. “Cohen,” asked Levy, “Are there any Jews in Mexico?”

I don’t know,” Levy replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

When the waiter came by, Levy asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”

“I do not know sir, I ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Mexican Jews.”

“Are you sure?” Levy asked.

“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Cohen said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Mexican Jews.”

“Are you really sure?” Levy asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews.”

“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have orange Jews, grape Jews, tomato Jews and prune Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!”

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Worthy of Heaven

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,

‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’”

St. Peter was impressed.

“When did this happen?”

The man answers:

“Just a few minutes ago.”

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British Ingenuity

During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad, so the German doctor amputated his left arm. He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did.

The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing. The Germans complied.

The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England. The German doctor replied, “Sorry, we do dis no more!”

The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “we think you trying to escape!”

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Two friends:

- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?

- Of course! How many people are coming?

- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

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Pregnant

One woman stops a taxi.

- To the airport, please.

After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:

- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.

- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.

- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.

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Sandpaper

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:

- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.

- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.

After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:

- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?

- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

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Black and white

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:

- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.

The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.

- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

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That bitch...

A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.

- No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.

- You are right, lets go to the beach.

After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.

- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.

- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.

- Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

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Playing Doctor

Two married men are in a pub discussing their love life when one says, "Have you ever tried playing doctor?"

His mate says, "No what's it like?"

The man replies, "It's amazing me and my wife were playing for the whole of last night must of been about 10 hours."

His mate, shocked says, "10 hours!? How the hell did you manage that long?"

"I just left her in waiting room for 9 and a half hours."

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Cold Water

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"

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Q: What do you call an exploding monkey?

A: A Ba-boom!

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a man is walking with some friends, and bends down to pick something off the ground. He turns and he says, Is there a toilet around here, because i just have 2p.

(say that out loud and you might get it!)

[manpe]

Get in line!

A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

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The vet bill

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

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Blonde at the appliance store

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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The nuns and the blind man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

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Stick of dynamite

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[manpe]

[Toshiro]

Hahahahha