Welcome To India "Jai Bharat - Why I Love My Indian Roads"

[dcs18]

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I'm offering a few hints for survival. They're applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian-road-rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave your fate to your life insurance company. The hints are as follows:

Must one drive on the 'left' or 'right' of the road?

The answer is 'both.' Basically, you start on the 'left' of the road, unless it's occupied. In that case, go to the 'right,' unless that's also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and the occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in re-incarnation, the other drivers are in no better position.

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Some idiot may still try to wade across, but then let's not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some other countries. We honk to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts) or just to mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar (market.)

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade to pass, or while waiting for the rainwater to recede when over-ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans (devotional songs.) These pilgrims travel at breakneck (neck-break) speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto-Rickshaws (Baby Taxi):
An innovative design resulting from a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on an infernal mixture of kerosene, oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers thrice its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto-rickshaws until some children in the periphery are no longer in contact with the vehicle at all. Then, their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so that minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film 'Ben Hur,' and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds:
The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noises like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol (gas) and travels at break-bottom (your bottom) speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often 'mopped' off the road (tarmac.)

Leaning Towers of Passes:
Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity (pun unintended) but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger,) no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street:
These boards are put up by traffic cops to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning by proceeding in just one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive, as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented through provision of a speed breaker; in fact - two for each house.

This mound incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left un-tarred for the sake of easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan.) In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has partaken at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about three feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never indicate any signal (and you must watch out for the absent signals; they are the greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically.

This is definitely not to be construed as an intention to turn left. The waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day. If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am - when the cops have gone home and the citizen is free to enjoy the 'freedom of speed' enshrined in our constitution.

[ASIO]

Hmmm

[calguyhunk]

1. @ dcs18 - What's your relation with trustfire? :P

2. Organized chaos, did anyone say? :tehe:

But really, it's because of the 'chalta hai' (anything goes) attitude :( I got my license without even having to drive a car, really! :o I didn't even know how to reverse at the time, let alone parallel park :angry: I could barely go more than a 100 meters in a straight line tbh! :nono:
AND I got a license. :wtf: That's 'cuz the guy just asked me to drive like 10 meters and that was all I ever needed ;) And btw, did I say that I say that nobody instructed me anything about using the indicator lights or how to read road signs for that matter? :o

No wonder our entire traffic system is messed up. Much like the rest of the country, tbh :mad2:

[Alanon]

Wow. I watched an episode of those extreme truckers semi-intelligent documentary on Discovery once. They were driving in India, and frankly, I thought that it was a frame-up to make the show more interesting! Reading this makes me realise it's true! :o

[calguyhunk]

Wow. I watched an episode of those extreme truckers semi-intelligent documentary on Discovery once. They were driving in India, and frankly, I thought that it was a frame-up to make the show more interesting! Reading this makes me realise it's true! :o

Yeah! I watched that as well - "The worlds most dangerous roads" or something to that effect, right? That's an absolutely real representation, don't you worry 'bout that. It's surreal. Michael Schumacher said he'll never try to get behind the wheels on open roads here LOL! :lol:

BTW, that trucker chick in that documentary/reality series was hot :P

[Alanon]

Wow. I watched an episode of those extreme truckers semi-intelligent documentary on Discovery once. They were driving in India, and frankly, I thought that it was a frame-up to make the show more interesting! Reading this makes me realise it's true! :o

Yeah! I watched that as well - "The worlds most dangerous roads" or something to that effect, right? That's an absolutely real representation, don't you worry 'bout that. It's surreal. Michael Schumacher said he'll never try to get behind the wheels on open roads here LOL! :lol:

BTW, that trucker chick in that documentary/reality series was hot :P

The exact one!

Yeah, she kinda was. xDDD

[dcs18]

1. @ dcs18 - What's your relation with trustfire? :P

We're one and the same - I'm a beta-tester for Firetrust and various other Developers.

I never use the same handle twice. :)

[dcs18]

Wow. I watched an episode of those extreme truckers semi-intelligent documentary on Discovery once. They were driving in India, and frankly, I thought that it was a frame-up to make the show more interesting! Reading this makes me realise it's true! :o

Many foreigners carry an impression that India is a land of snake-charmers in the backdrop of a rope spiraling skywards on it's own, followed by the snake charmer climbing up the rope until he disappears into oblivion.

[princenarwal]

haahhaaa,

nice research bro :lol:

everyone in need of a suicidal adventure must pay a visit to indian roads.