Random Jokes

[Bolt_Gundam510]

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

The Laziest

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

Phrases of Wisdom

- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

20th Anniversary

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied,

"Yup, a big one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."

Buying a Machine Factory

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

[Bolt_Gundam510]

Dumb Guy Jokes

Q. How do men get excercise at the beach?

A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?

A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes oneliners?

A. So men can understand them.

Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?

A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?

A. Government bonds mature.

Q. How are men like noodles?

A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?

A. A hot dog and a six pack.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

A. Put the remote control between his toes.

[Bolt_Gundam510]

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your hindquarters in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

[Bolt_Gundam510]

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

[Bolt_Gundam510]

Cars vs. Computers part 1

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did...

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

[Bolt_Gundam510]

Cars vs. Computers part 2

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did...

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

[Bolt_Gundam510]

Recent Quips from Late Night

"I tell you, the economy's rough. People are standing behind President Bush just to get the free shoes." --Jay Leno

"It was so cold in Chicago, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was trying to sell Senate seat warmers." --Jay Leno

"And it snowed in Malibu. That is unbelievable, isn't it? Yeah. Five inches of snow in Malibu, where people aren't used to snow. They were trying to snort it. They didn't understand. The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn't get to the global warming conference." --Jay Leno

"And the big financial story, Bernard Madoff, the man they call the most hated man in New York, as you know, has been arrested after confessing to running this Ponzi scheme that defrauded investors out of $50 billion. That's almost hard to believe. But the good news, today he was named A.I.G.'s man of the year." --Jay Leno

"This week President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles." --Conan O'Brien

Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it's President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it's Ed Begley Jr." --Conan O'Brien

"Gay leaders are furious at Barack Obama because he picked an anti-gay minister to deliver a prayer during the inauguration ceremony. Yeah. Gay leaders are also furious at Obama because the tie he's planning to wear is all wrong." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is hosting a lunch next month with President-elect Obama and all the former presidents. Isn't that cool? Yeah. Bush said, 'I invited all 43 guys, but only four responded.' He doesn't know what happened." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new survey that just came out, the most admired profession is doctor. Doctor is the most admired profession. Yeah. The least admired profession? Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's barber." --Conan O'Brien

"The nice thing about the holidays is the holiday spirit. Let me give you an example of how the holiday spirit affects people. You know that guy that threw the shoes at President Bush? Well, today, he was throwing fruit cakes." --David Letterman

"Now here’s something historical. In January, all five living presidents are scheduled to have lunch together. Clinton suggested the VIP room at Hooters." --David Letterman

[Bolt_Gundam510]

Aspirin Cure

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."

"Show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"