lots of shit

[dock98]

Dear Employee:

>

> As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for

> department areas, we

> are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under

> this plan,

> older employees will be asked to take early retirement,

> thus permitting

> the retention of younger people who represent our future.

> Therefore, a

> program to phase out older personnel by the end of the

> current fiscal

> year, via retirement, will be placed into effect

> immediately.

>

> This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged

> Personnel).

>

> Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity

> to look for jobs

> outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a

> review of their

> employment records before actual retirement takes place.

> This review

> phase of the program is called SCREW.

>

> SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

> All employees

> who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with

> upper

> management.

>

> This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority

> Following

> Termination).

>

> Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be

> SLAPPED once,

> SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the

> company deems

> appropriate.

>

> If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will

> be entitled to

> get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's

> Early Severance) or

> CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

>

> As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any

> employee who has

> received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or

> SCREWED by the

> company.

>

> Management wishes to assure the younger employees who

> remain on board

> that the company will continue its policy of training

> employees through

> our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take

> pride in the amount

> of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our

> employees more SHIT than

> any company in this area. If any employee feels they do

> not receive

> enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

>

> Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you

> receive all the

> SHIT you can handle.

>

> And, once again, thanks for all your years of service

> with us.