Jump to content

[JOTD] Joke of the day


Recommended Posts

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared to face the reaper cushions.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 6.1k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • aum

    924

  • Karlston

    919

  • polinom00

    374

  • flash13

    305

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

Couple of decades ago, one of the husbands was working abroad and wrote a letter to his wife. He wrote: My dear love, A lot of love from me. In this month, I've sent 100 kisses instead of salary. Ple

Just as the graveside service finished there was a distant lightning bolt accompanied by a tremendous burst of rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said "Well she's there. She is his problem now"

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells an officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”: "Bulls**t! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

 

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.


Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life.

 

Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.

 

Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.

"But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."

"May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed.

 

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten.

 

Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.

 

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate.


The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee.

 

When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"


The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can.

 

You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up."

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

At the train station earlier I saw a homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: “Help, I’m starving.”

 

I thought to myself... "He can’t be that hungry, he hasn’t even finished his dog."

Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young hohemian couple.


Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.


"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"


Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer.


One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked.
"Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fu..ed the bride!" exclaimed the father.


The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.


A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled, "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!"


As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked, "What happened to make you change your mind?"


Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."

 

 

Edited by aum
  • Thanks 1
  • Haha 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

My graffiti-artist girlfriend just left me.

 

I really should have seen the writing on the wall.

 

---

 

Why did the accountant go crazy?

 

He started to hear invoices in his head.

  • Haha 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

 

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

 

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

 

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

 

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

 

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

 

  • Haha 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshippers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.

 

As one shook the minister’s hand, he said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, I bet you’re smarter than Einstein.

 

”Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”

 

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he thought, the more the wondered why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So the following Sunday he asked the man, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?”

 

The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you.”

 

 

Edited by aum
  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

 

She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?

 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight.

 

 

  • Haha 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Two old guys were chatting.


One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".


Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"


First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

 

  • Haha 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, aum said:

Two old guys were chatting.


One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".


Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"


First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

 

 

could have been worse she could have given him DP.. Divorce papers

Link to post
Share on other sites

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

 

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

 

He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

 

  • Haha 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...