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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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Lost in translation....

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.


The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving amound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.


The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

 

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Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.  He looks into his small bowl.  It is empty.  "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.  "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells....

"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?  It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, and it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was also Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned it's litter box, and filled it's water and food dishes, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence....you'd better listen up and listen good....'cause I'm only gonna say this one more time.....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET !!!"

 

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A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.


Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"


Grandpa replies, "Nope."


Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"


Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

 

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A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
 

// R

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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

 

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

 

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

 

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

 

"Yup," replied the drunk.

 

"How' s it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

 

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

 

Spoiler

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a**hole, it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

 

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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So, the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So, the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So, they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"

 

"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing.  If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

 

 

Edited by aum
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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!

 

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"

 

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

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"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

 

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

 

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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.


With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.


After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."


The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.


"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"


"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."

 

 

 

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